I've never felt like I have been able to easily get along with a lot of people, I struggle to be myself + feel comfortable in my own skin around others, especially new people, and so when I find someone I can actually be myself around, especially if it's instant, it's exciting to me.
I've always thought it was better to have a few very close friends that mean the absolute world to you than to have a huge group of "kinda" friends that you hang with every once in a while. I still feel that way.
Being someone who gets attached definitely is not easy.
For instance,
1) You get hurt A LOT easier, and much more often. When someone means the world to you, their mistakes break you. Whether it's something they said/did to you specifically, or just a stupid choice they've made, it hurts more when they mean so much to you.
2) You always place all of the blame from the problems in your friendship on yourself. I've found this is very true in my own life. I will take any blame, even unnecessary blame, to "heal" a friendship. And even worse, I actually start to believe it is my fault even when it's not, even if I did absolutely nothing wrong, or even when the blame is equal, I carry it all on my shoulders so that they won't have to, so we can just move on and things can be "normal" again. That's unhealthy and completely butchers your self confidence. Anyone who does the same will know that all of that blame really weighs down on you.
DON'T DO IT. If they did something wrong, let them take the blame. It will help them become better. I know this now.
3) There's also the paranoia. That one day they'll get sick of you. One day they'll find someone more fun, who makes them laugh more, who is more daring, more relatable, etc. They'll move on from the friendship and you'll be left there hanging just like you have been so many times before.
People aren't paranoid for no reason. Being the more attached friend has gone awfully wrong for me so many times. I get attached, and then when someone cuts themselves from my life, it feels like this entire chunk of me is missing, while they can just go off and live their life happily as if we had never met, or as if the time we spent together meant nothing to them. I've honestly lived most of my life believing no one could ever care about me as much as I cared about them. I thought that I just needed to take what I could get and be grateful for it.
That is NOT the case. Regardless of who seems to "care more" in a friendship, both people can be happy. Friendship is hard work but it's worth it. Even with my friends who I've been close to for years and years, it is hard.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother making new friends when I know I'm just going to love them more than they'll love me. But ya know what? That is an extremely selfish way to feel. To assume that just because I feel like I care about someone more, that I am going to be a better friend than them. People show their love and affection in many different ways. Since taking a step back out of my selfish mind set, I've discovered that I do have friends who care about me just as much as I do about them, but maybe express it differently than I expect. Putting a label on yourself as "the person who cares more" is just setting yourself up for rejection. Rejection is not something I need any more of.
Yeah, being someone who gets attached is heartbreaking. But it's reminds me of something that Winnie the Pooh once said,
Obviously, just because we feel that we care more than someone else, that doesn't mean we need to say goodbye to them, that's not what I mean..but honestly, how lucky am I to have people in my life that mean so much to me? There are so many people in this world who don't have that. Who don't have anyone who even cares a little bit about them... I am blessed to have people to love, and who love me.
Being the "friend who loves more" isn't a real curse. It isn't the end of the world. Take a look around you and realize how lucky you are. After all, it could always be worse.
I have focused on this problem for too long in my life, and am finally realizing that though it's hard, it's OKAY.
I'm sorry this is a bit of a long post. But I want you, and all of those people who feel like they were just born to be rejected, that they will always care more than anyone else, that they are always the "back up friend", to remember these things.
You have and will continue to find friends who care as much about you, and maybe just aren't as good at showing it.
You can be happy regardless of how anyone else feels/thinks about you.
And most of all, you can never care TOO MUCH about someone. You are unbelievably lucky for the ability to love, and they will never know how lucky they are to have you.
"In the end, I believe it is always better to feel too much, than not enough."
<3
~An Attached Mormon Girl
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