Rants of a Performer

DO WHAT YOU LOVE!!!!

Man, I love performing. Musical theatre has shaped my life.

The thrill I get from being on a stage as a performer can't come from anything else. I just love it, I love it all. The happiness that fills your soul as you sing your heart out in an audition, the nerves while waiting for the cast list to be posted, the tears, whether good or bad, when it finally is posted, going through the script and highlighting all of your lines, the stress of memorizing your part, and then developing your character into an actual person, the hours and hours and hours of rehearsals, the stressful, long, exhausting days/nights of tech week (HELL WEEK), the rush you get when the curtain is finally rising on opening night, or your heart pounding as the overture begins to play....The pure satisfaction of an audience clapping and cheering for the cast. Nothing brings me greater joy.

Ever since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was perform.

I guess it all started with my ballet and tap classes.

However, my dad has been in several bands in his life and so it was natural for me to be listening to music at all hours of the day. I was a pretty shy kid outside of my house, but at home, my siblings and I 

               We're cute, right?

always dressed up and performed our very own little plays and musicals for our parents, or put on the Beatles or Beach Boys, or Michael Jackson and danced around singing for them, and we had SO much fun doing it.

We were also a part of many church plays!

Little did I know back then how much the performing arts would affect my life. 

When I was 11 or 12, I discovered a musical theatre program at a middle school near me. Though I had never necessarily been interested in or even knew anything about musical theatre before, my family figured it would be something fun to try out.

wasn't the school I was assigned to based on my address, but I received permission to go there so I could be a part of this program, called WestArts.

I have been doing musical theatre since then, the 6th grade. So I'm not a "theatre baby" necessarily. However, the minute I started, I knew this was something I was going to stick to. There have been a LOT of ups and downs, stress, happiness and lots and lots and LOTS of tears. But I can honestly say there is not a single show I have ever regretted doing. Whether or not I had a bunch of friends, or had a big part, or even any part at all, I am always devastated when the show I'm in comes to a close. 

You put your sweat, heart, and soul into a show and it breaks your heart when it's over. But it makes it that much sweeter when rehearsals for the next shows begin.

Over the years I've been a part of 3 different companies, and have been a part of 30 productions altogether. The memories I've made are unforgettable, the amount I have learned from these incredible companies is life changing.

WestArts 2006-2008

I really do give the credit to this wonderful company for beginning my love of musicals. This is where I started and prepared for what was ahead. This company helped me get over my stage fright.

      My debut ;) a lead munchkin!

How To Eat Like A Child... I LOVED this show, it is very much underrated.

  My first big role, Grace in Annie (:

By far my favorite WestArts experience, I was lucky enough to play Mayzie LaBird + Bird Girl #2 in Seussical the musical. So much fun <3

After I had graduated from WestArts, I was lucky enough to return as an alumni to MC and perform in a Broadway review they did, as well as assistant direct (and perform in) their production of Oliver, and I had a blast!

MYART 2006-Current

Someone I met in WestArts introduced me to this company, and so after my first 2 WestArts shows, my brother and I decided to try it out. In MYART I continued to learn so much and really grew into the performer I am now. I started participating in the ensemble and having a few smaller roles.

My first MYART show was "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown", I was ensemble, and had the greatest time!

Then I did Peter Pan and played Curley, a lead Lost Boy (I got to shoot an arrow onstage.. Fun stuff)

I had the opportunity to play Louisa Von Trapp in the Sound of Music!

And Charlotte Sowerberry in Oliver!

Over time I learned so much from these wonderful performers and was able to really grow as a performer!

I was able to play the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland which was honestly one of the most fun roles I've ever played.

I played Gertrude McFuzz in Seussical the musical, which was my dream role at that time.

I played Lucy Van Pelt in "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown", another one of my dream roles.

Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast

I went to Huntington Beach High School and was a part of APA, the Academy of the Performing Arts for 2 years where I did a few shows as ensemble, as well as being able to play the stepmother in Cinderella.

        Thoroughly Modern Millie!

              Les Misérables!!

This went on way longer and was totally different than what I originally planned on blogging about but I have actually had a lot of fun looking back on all the old memories I'll always look fondly back at so #NoRegrets

I actually just broke my 3 year break of performing (1 year of school, 1 year of work, and 1 year for my mission) and did another MYART show, Legally Blonde the musical. It had been a while since I was able to do a show, and so I was really sad when I realized that because of work, I wouldn't be able to participate. However, after the show had already been rehearsing, a few people had to drop out and there were some parts left open, and I was asked to join the show the week before the performances. Luckily, I had just quit my (AWFUL) job and gotten a new one that wouldn't conflict, so I finally got to get back on a stage and had so much fun rekindling friendships and creating new ones!

I guess I should try and wrap this up somehow, so this is where I'm going to leave off this post. 

Do what you love. Even if it's hard. Even if you're rejected. Even if you meet some tough challenges (or people haha) along the way. Do it because 100% you will not regret it if you truly love it. Even though some of my experiences in musical theatre were maybe not so great, with some people who I had trouble with, or with maybe not getting the role I would've liked, or being tired all the time, I absolutely would not trade my experiences for anything. My experiences in these 3 companies have truly shaped me into who I am today, and I'm so greatful to have been so lucky <3

DO WHAT YOU LOVE!

~A "Performing" Mormon Girl

Rants of a "Depressed and Anxiety Ridden" Mormon Girl

This may seem ironic based on the title of my last post haha, but this is something I feel deeply about since it is personal.

It's recently come to my attention how little people know or understand about mental + emotional disorders like depression and anxiety. Unless you're diagnosed with one, you tend not to really know much because you've never really needed to. It may not affect you directly, but I can guarantee you that someone you have met, or will meet, will have been affected by or diagnosed with one or both of these disorders. So... I thought I could maybe try to help people understand what's going on inside the head of someone who does have these type of disorders; me.

First, let me tell you, depression/anxiety is NOT a choice in any way, shape or form. 

It's not something you feel just when something bad happens. It's not something you can just force yourself to "get over" or "move on" from. It is an illness, and it's crippling.

And so we can't just wave some magic wand and move on, just as much as you can't be magically cured from any physical illness or disease.

It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just because it's an invisible illness, (you can't tell someone is depressed just by looking at them) that does not mean it isn't real.

I love the iceberg example. What you see is not always the whole story. Sure. I may seem okay at times, or even seem happy. But a lot of times, not ALL the time, but a lot, on the inside, I feel completely hopeless. It's not always because of something or someone, but simply because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. It goes without saying, that the most cliche phrase ever, "Don't judge a book by its cover" is very applicable to people who have mental disorders, or "invisible diseases".

I promise you, I do not want to be feeling this way. In fact, what I want more than anything is to feel happy, or at least content. To feel normal. That's why you can find us faking smiles, and living life as if we feel totally fine.

There are some very important things I want my loved ones (and everyone in the world, honestly) to know about depression and anxiety.

First, people with these disorders are not crazy, they are ill. Just like a physical illness, when we treat it, and take care of ourselves, our health improves. We feel better. But still, we can feel bad again. Once we have a good day, that doesn't mean we're cured. It's a forever illness, but it can be helped. We can improve. We can have a happy successful life.

Second, I really do feel awful when I have to cancel or reschedule plans that we've made. Please don't try to make me feel guilty. Sometimes I just cannot bring myself to leave my bed, let alone, my house. Some days I just need to be at home and avoid contact with anyone except my family. Some days I just need to watch tv or read a book to escape my own head. Nothing that ANYONE could say or do would make it easier for me to leave the house when I'm in this state. Please don't be offended. Please don't think I'm avoiding you. Please don't think I'm flaky, or making an excuse so I can do something or hang with someone much cooler. Sometimes I truly am stuck and just cannot leave, no matter how long our plans have been in place.

Anxiety is like this invisible monster that tackles you when you're actually feeling okay. He's hiding behind anything out of the ordinary. He even sneaks into your comfort zone when he's feeling extra obnoxious.

The typical panic attack feels like this:

And it usually turns into you lying on the floor, maybe curled into a ball with your eyes closed waiting for it to stop.

While this happens, I know I'm going to be okay, because I always am. I am always able to continue living, and know that I could still have a good rest of my day, or that the next day could be absolutely perfect. I can still have a happy life, but at that moment in time, I don't feel that way. Regardless of what I know, I feel like my happiness is gone forever. Like this attack will never end. It's really not a great experience. So, I apologize if sometimes I feel like I need to stay home for the day. But I still love you. I still want to be invited out. I still want to have friends and feel normal as often as I can.

Just because I'm having a hard time doesn't mean I want people to forget about me and stop loving me or spending time with me. Please don't give up on me, or anyone with these disorders.

The people who have stuck with me through my disorders are the people who I love more than life itself. It is hard to be a friend with someone who has mental or emotional disorders. We are not easily part of a nice, relaxed friendship. It's something we (and our friends) have to work at a lot, but that's why my friends mean the absolute world to me. They'll never know how much I appreciate them.

I hope this post can help someone better understand what their loved one, or even their acquaintance is going through. If not, just remember this, don't give up on them. They need a good friend.

~A Depressed & Anxiety Ridden Mormon Girl

Rants of a "Choosing-to-be-Happy" Mormon Girl

Sometimes the tiniest things are what get me through the day. A few nights ago I had a really good long talk with my brother

                What a GUNTHER

and one of my best friends, Sean (Yes that's a selfie stick picture #SorryNotSorry)

We kinda just talked about life, late into the night, and it was really nice. 

It got me really thinking about the little things that I'm grateful for that happen to me, frequently or not. I think (okay....know) that sometimes I focus way too much on all of the bad things going on in my life, or the lives of those around me,and I forget how many things, that may seem tiny in perspective, have really brightened my life.

For one, I'm really grateful for random talks like that, that can really get you talking, thinking, and feeling.

I'm really grateful for people who ask how you are because they are genuinely curious, not because they don't know what else to say. 

I'm grateful for anyone who has ever left me a cute little note, short or long, you'll never have any idea what it means to me to know I've been thought of.

I'm grateful for social media. It can be kind of annoying at times, but it really does make it so much easier to stay connected with people that I wouldn't have contact with any other way. I love being able to see how my elementary school friends are doing, or how people I taught/met on my mission are.

I'm grateful for the wonderful people who chose to take time out of their busy lives to at least write me one letter or email while I was on my mission. I understand life is busy, trust me I do, but those letters got me through. I always got letters of encouragement when I needed them the most. Also grateful for all of the prayers in my behalf.

I'm grateful for calendars, because let's be real, I would forget ALL of my plans and overbook every single day if calendars didn't exist.

I'm grateful for true friendship. Not just people you spend a lot of time with, or can really talk to, but those friends where you don't have to be busy to have a good time, you don't have to be constantly talking to enjoy each other's company. 

Shout-out to Tay! We sometimes just lay around, or play on our phones or watch tv but we still always have the greatest time.

Oh and friends who don't mind hanging out with your family. I have a friend who was supposed to meet me at my house and I ended up getting home later than I had said, and instead of waiting in the car, like most people would do, he went in and chilled with my family until I got home. I don't know why but I just thought that was so cool. He also never minds when I invite my siblings along to our hang outs. How cool is that? I really do have incredible friends.

I guess he deserves some credit for being pretty great, shout-out to Sean! (Yes, the same Sean from that great talk I mentioned earlier)

I'm grateful for the sudden realizations I have every once in a while of how wonderful my life is. We all should truly take a minute to think about the many blessings we have in our life, because, I promise you, life could always be worse.

I recently finished reading the book "My Story" written by Elizabeth Smart.

This book is written about the author's experience when she was 14 and taken out of her bedroom and held captive for 9 months. She suffered through much abuse; verbal and emotional, as well as hunger, thirst, and rape.

I'm not here to say "cheer up because your life isn't as hard as hers. "

I don't know your struggles and I'm not going to pretend I'll ever know how you feel or what you've suffered through. 

However I would like to share with you her extremely positive outlook on life after this traumatic experience. At the closing of the book she focuses on and reminds us of the many miracles she lived through and tender mercies she experienced during those 9 months.

"Life is a journey for us all. We all face trials. We all have ups and downs. All of us are human. But we are also the masters of our feet. We are the ones who decide how we are going to react to life. Yes, I could have decided to allow myself to be handicapped by what happened to me. But I decided very early that I only had one life and that I wasn't going to waste it. As of this writing, I am 25 years old. I have been alive for 307 months. Nine of those months were pretty terrible, but 298 of those months have been very good. I have been happy. I have been very blessed. Who knows how many more months I have left? But even if I died tomorrow, 9 out of 307 seems like pretty good odds. Looking at it that way, I don't think I have much to complain about."

Our happiness comes from ourselves. Nothing and no one can control how we feel. They can try all they want, but if we choose to be happy, we cannot be stopped. Sure there will be road blocks, life gets hard, people are difficult, but if we focus on the good, we can live out our lives happy. That's what I want. So, now, I choose to be happy.

Here is something Elizabeth remembers her mom telling her shortly after she was rescued and returned home. However, I'm going to change it just a bit to make it more applicable to everyone. 

"You be happy. Just be happy. If you go and feel sorry for yourself and dwell on the bad, if you hold on to your pain, that is allowing it to steal your life away. So don't you do that! You keep every second for yourself."

I love that. Just be happy. It really is so simple.

Choose happiness, because you absolutely have that kind of control.

~A "Choosing To Be Happy" Mormon Girl