Let's just say that anger, and temptation got the best of me. I let my emotions control me, which is never a good idea. I didn't know what to post for the world because I was pretty angry at the world.
I've done some stupid stuff in my life and I let myself fall back into those patterns. I know it was stupid. I knew that before, during, and after. But when you're mad or hurt or lonely you don't care... And I felt all of those things so I tried to be someone I'm not, thinking maybe THAT could make me a happier person. I tried doing all the right things, and that didn't seem to be working, so why not give THIS a try?
Now, everyone calm down before you go assuming that I went crazy and broke every rule of life you could imagine. My mistakes were definitely not the end of the world. They definitely could've been much much worse. I'm glad that it didn't get that far, but I was definitely headed that way. Anyways, as I said, could've been worse, but regardless, the choices I was making were not leading me towards the life I KNOW I want.
I want to find a great guy to marry and create a beautiful, eternal family with, live the gospel, go to the temple often, have hymns stuck in my head, have my life led completely by God, all those "cheesy mormon things", yeah, I want it all. So why did I make such stupid decisions that took me away from that?
Easy. I stopped reading my scriptures daily. Then I stopped reading them at all. That led to me no longer praying daily, then at all. Eventually I started skipping church, then I stopped going to church unless someone "made" me. Then the other stuff followed. That's what happens. It happens slowly but surely. The adversary knows just how to get us. I know that now more than ever. He works on your weaknesses, and is so set on destroying your happiness.
I'll never be a happy-go-lucky person, it's just not in my blood. But I can be happy. I may have depression and other things to deal with but I can be happy. I shouldn't let the adversary take that from me.
I can be negative, and very sarcastic, but I do LOVE people, and need love back.
The adversary used that need for love, and the lack of love I was feeling to make me feel alone and forget about the unconditional love felt for me by my Heavenly Father.
I don't really know where I'm going with this or why I'm even posting it because it's pretty personal so.. Sorry about that haha. I guess I'll come to an end using this quote.
A few days after I realized I am NOT the person I was trying to be, I found this quote. Immediately I felt that love again. The love that was always there but I just wasn't paying attention. And then... I remembered my mission.
I remembered how hard it was to leave my family and friends. How hard it was to get out of bed and work hard with almost no reward every day. But mostly I remembered the incredible love I felt, at all times, even when I wanted to give up. Not once on my mission did I lose that feeling. The love that the members, people I taught, and other missionaries showed to me, was pure evidence that God was there.
So to help myself get back on track, I've been going through my mission journals, pictures, and other things. There is nothing that makes me happier than reminiscing about my mission. It has helped a lot.
Don't give up. If you're making mistakes, but still know the church is true, and you know that God loves you, like I did, you can fix it. Heck, even if you don't know those things, you can definitely still change. It is never too late. You don't have to be someone you're not. You are a child of God, DO NOT forget that, like I did.
-An M.I.A Mormon Girl
