Rants of an "Imperfect" Mormon Girl

Why is it that as a return missionary of the church of Jesus Christ people EXPECT perfection?

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SURPRISE!

I'm not perfect. I get mad. I get sad. I get lonely. I get offended and hurt. And when I feel that way I make mistakes. I say things I don't mean. I do things I shouldn't. Even when I'm perfectly happy I make mistakes. And I always will. And guess what else? The expectation to be perfect that so many have pushed on me is exactly what drives me to my mistakes.

There is this assumption that if you are a return missionary, you "know better". Or that if after you return, you become less active at church, or struggle with your testimony, or aren't perfect or an entirely changed and new being, that you didn't do what you were meant to or you didn't do it "right".

This is simply not true. And, ridiculous.

Who are we to judge whether or not a person worked as hard as they could have, or "fulfilled" their duty as a missionary. That is absolutely not our right. It breaks my heart to hear people say such things.

I can't even tell you the number of return missionaries I taught on my mission who no longer attended church or even believed in what Christ taught.

After being home for months, I now understand how they all must have felt. Pretty bad. Pretty let down. Pretty un-loved.

You go on a mission and you suddenly set the bar so high for yourself at home. You become important. People miss you. They send you stuff. They always remind you how much they love you.

Then, you get home. Everyone is excited for a few days, but quickly, it dies down and becomes "normal", to everyone else at least. It takes longer for a return missionary to adjust to being home than it does for anyone else to adjust to them being home. It's a very hard adjustment, for several reasons.

-At first, you set high goals for yourself and you think "oh man I've been on a spiritual high for so long, going home will be great, I'm gonna be a missionary to everyone around me and study everyday and go to the temple once a week...etc." and you soon realize it isn't that easy. And so you feel like you've let yourself, and God, down.

-It's hard to find time to read your scriptures or go to the temple because there is so much for you to "catch up" on. It's hard to do anything when in reality what you want to do is sleep. Well, maybe that was just me.

-it's hard to pray as regularly and remain as close to God as you were, because you don't feel like you need him every second as badly as you did as a missionary doing His work.

-when you take the high road, you get a lot of "you're such a return missionary" as if that's some kind of insult.

-when you do make a mistake, people use your mission against you ("wow, here's the RM setting such a great example")

-There are so many things that people want you to do, watch, or listen to... And places people want you to go or see. It's overwhelming.

-all you want to do is talk about your mission, but others get tired of that very quickly. You hear "we get it, you loved your mission" and "okay enough about Utah." (or wherever you served), quite often.

It is hard. The expectations an pressure I've felt is unreal. But those expectations of perfection that have been pushed on me will never be met, and it just makes it harder on boh sides to push someone.

The world is not over if a return missionary makes a mistake, big or small, or if they miss church, or haven't gone to the temple in a while. It's okay if they are struggling a bit with their testimony, or are weak. They can take care of themselves. We learned a lot on our mission. We know what Heavenly Father wants us to do. Pushing us to do the "right thing" or to "be a better example" will only push us away.

Take it from someone who knows.

I am struggling with my testimony. It's hard for me to drag myself to church when I go. I've only gone to the temple once since being home. I'm having trouble with my strength to resist tempation. 

But you know what? That's OKAY. Because I know my Heavenly Father still loves me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, because His love is UNCONDITIONAL.

So I am no longer going to exhaust and continually disappoint myself and others trying to live up to any kind of expecatation from anyone, or trying to hide all of my struggles from everyone around me. Im not living some double life where I pretend to be perfect around the people who expect it. I'm sick of the pressure that has been put on me simply because I chose to serve a mission. I am going to live my life the way that makes me happy, not you, or anyone else. I accept me for who I am, imperfections, mistakes, temptations and all. Because finally, I'm happy :)

"No one is perfect, and everyone is different, but everyone is beautiful in their own way and that's what makes us all special."

-An Imperfect Female

Rants of A "Disney Loving" Mormon Girl

HOW IS DISNEYLAND SO MAGICAL?!?! It seems to just get better and better as time goes on. It continues to baffle me. Each time I go, I wonder if I'm going to have as much fun as I did last time, and no matter who I go with, how hot it is, if it's raining, or how crowded the park is, I have a great time. Maybe there are some days greater than others, but I've never had a bad time at Disneyland.

I recently renewed my pass....

after almost 2 years of not going, and whenever I choose to do that, people always tell me I'll regret it because of the cost, but I don't. Never do. I probably never will. Yeah anything Disney is expensive, but Disney also gives you the happiest memories you could ever ask for. For me, not for everyone (My friend Kyle is a Disney hater....shame), the money is totally worth it.

I was basically brought into this world as a Disney fan.

I am so lucky to have been able to grow up just a short drive from Disneyland.

Disneyland was a family activity. It's where we spent a lot of our bonding time together.

Not everyone is so lucky to live a 10-15 minute drive from this beautiful place. Disneyland became like my second home, if I wasn't at home or at a rehearsal for whatever show I was in.....I was at Disneyland. As I got older I was there even more often. In high school I used to go almost every Friday after school and stay til closing (midnight).

I'd go with different people.

Go on different rides.

Meet different characters.

Disney-bound as different characters 

(In pictures: Ariel and Belle, then Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse)

Disney-bounding: Disney fans pick a character they want to portray and model an outfit using certain color pallets and accessories. It’s not as outlandish as cosplaying and subtle enough to be able to go out in public and look nice but still get nods of approval from Disney fans (see gallery below the interview).

The trend has become extremely popular in the parks the past couple of years and fans even make it a point to find the character their portraying and and snap a picture with them.

I'll never forget all of the magical memories I've made inside a Disney park. My childhood revolves around all things Disney. Since my brother and I both have renewed our passes, last night we went to Disneyland JUST to watch the newish Paint The Night parade and fireworks show. That's what I love about having an annual pass. You can go and do so little, and have a great time because you don't have to worry about getting EVERYTHING in because you can just come back whenever! Anyways, I cried during the whole parade because all my Disney memories rushed into my brain and my childhood heartstrings were all pulled. Disneyland is a magical place, the happiest place on earth, and I don't care how cheesy that sounds.

I'm SO thankful that 60 years ago, a man named Walt Disney had a marvelous plan, and used his imagination to turn that plan into an actual place. My life would've been very different if he hadn't!

~A Disney Loving Mormon Girl

Rants of an "Attached" Mormon Girl

I am one of those friends that gets attached. Really attached. When I find someone I click with, I want to get to know them better. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I want to mean a lot to them.

I've never felt like I have been able to easily get along with a lot of people, I struggle to be myself + feel comfortable in my own skin around others, especially new people, and so when I find someone I can actually be myself around, especially if it's instant, it's exciting to me.

I've always thought it was better to have a few very close friends that mean the absolute world to you than to have a huge group of "kinda" friends that you hang with every once in a while. I still feel that way.

Being someone who gets attached definitely is not easy.

For instance, 

1) You get hurt A LOT easier, and much more often. When someone means the world to you, their mistakes break you. Whether it's something they said/did to you specifically, or just a stupid choice they've made, it hurts more when they mean so much to you.

2) You always place all of the blame from the problems in your friendship on yourself. I've found this is very true in my own life. I will take any blame, even unnecessary blame, to "heal" a friendship. And even worse, I actually start to believe it is my fault even when it's not,  even if I did absolutely nothing wrong, or even when the blame is equal, I carry it all on my shoulders so that they won't have to, so we can just move on and things can be "normal" again. That's unhealthy and completely butchers your self confidence. Anyone who does the same will know that all of that blame really weighs down on you.

DON'T DO IT. If they did something wrong, let them take the blame. It will help them become better. I know this now.

3) There's also the paranoia. That one day they'll get sick of you. One day they'll find someone more fun, who makes them laugh more, who is more daring, more relatable, etc. They'll move on from the friendship and you'll be left there hanging just like you have been so many times before.

People aren't paranoid for no reason. Being the more attached friend has gone awfully wrong for me so many times. I get attached, and then when someone cuts themselves from my life, it feels like this entire chunk of me is missing, while they can just go off and live their life happily as if we had never met, or as if the time we spent together meant nothing to them. I've honestly lived most of my life believing no one could ever care about me as much as I cared about them. I thought that I just needed to take what I could get and be grateful for it.

That is NOT the case. Regardless of who seems to "care more" in a friendship, both people can be happy. Friendship is hard work but it's worth it. Even with my friends who I've been close to for years and years, it is hard.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother making new friends when I know I'm just going to love them more than they'll love me. But ya know what? That is an extremely selfish way to feel. To assume that just because I feel like I care about someone more, that I am going to be a better friend than them. People show their love and affection in many different ways. Since taking a step back out of my selfish mind set, I've discovered that I do have friends who care about me just as much as I do about them, but maybe express it differently than I expect. Putting a label on yourself as "the person who cares more" is just setting yourself up for rejection. Rejection is not something I need any more of.

Yeah, being someone who gets attached is heartbreaking. But it's reminds me of something that Winnie the Pooh once said, 

Obviously, just because we feel that we care more than someone else, that doesn't mean we need to say goodbye to them, that's not what I mean..but honestly, how lucky am I to have people in my life that mean so much to me? There are so many people in this world who don't have that. Who don't have anyone who even cares a little bit about them... I am blessed to have people to love, and who love me.

Being the "friend who loves more" isn't a real curse. It isn't the end of the world. Take a look around you and realize how lucky you are. After all, it could always be worse.

I have focused on this problem for too long in my life, and am finally realizing that though it's hard, it's OKAY.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a long post. But I want you, and all of those people who feel like they were just born to be rejected, that they will always care more than anyone else, that they are always the "back up friend", to remember these things.

You have and will continue to find friends who care as much about you, and maybe just aren't as good at showing it.

You can be happy regardless of how anyone else feels/thinks about you.

And most of all, you can never care TOO MUCH about someone. You are unbelievably lucky for the ability to love, and they will never know how lucky they are to have you.

"In the end, I believe it is always better to feel too much, than not enough."

<3

~An Attached Mormon Girl