Rants of an "Imperfect" Mormon Girl

Why is it that as a return missionary of the church of Jesus Christ people EXPECT perfection?

................................................................

SURPRISE!

I'm not perfect. I get mad. I get sad. I get lonely. I get offended and hurt. And when I feel that way I make mistakes. I say things I don't mean. I do things I shouldn't. Even when I'm perfectly happy I make mistakes. And I always will. And guess what else? The expectation to be perfect that so many have pushed on me is exactly what drives me to my mistakes.

There is this assumption that if you are a return missionary, you "know better". Or that if after you return, you become less active at church, or struggle with your testimony, or aren't perfect or an entirely changed and new being, that you didn't do what you were meant to or you didn't do it "right".

This is simply not true. And, ridiculous.

Who are we to judge whether or not a person worked as hard as they could have, or "fulfilled" their duty as a missionary. That is absolutely not our right. It breaks my heart to hear people say such things.

I can't even tell you the number of return missionaries I taught on my mission who no longer attended church or even believed in what Christ taught.

After being home for months, I now understand how they all must have felt. Pretty bad. Pretty let down. Pretty un-loved.

You go on a mission and you suddenly set the bar so high for yourself at home. You become important. People miss you. They send you stuff. They always remind you how much they love you.

Then, you get home. Everyone is excited for a few days, but quickly, it dies down and becomes "normal", to everyone else at least. It takes longer for a return missionary to adjust to being home than it does for anyone else to adjust to them being home. It's a very hard adjustment, for several reasons.

-At first, you set high goals for yourself and you think "oh man I've been on a spiritual high for so long, going home will be great, I'm gonna be a missionary to everyone around me and study everyday and go to the temple once a week...etc." and you soon realize it isn't that easy. And so you feel like you've let yourself, and God, down.

-It's hard to find time to read your scriptures or go to the temple because there is so much for you to "catch up" on. It's hard to do anything when in reality what you want to do is sleep. Well, maybe that was just me.

-it's hard to pray as regularly and remain as close to God as you were, because you don't feel like you need him every second as badly as you did as a missionary doing His work.

-when you take the high road, you get a lot of "you're such a return missionary" as if that's some kind of insult.

-when you do make a mistake, people use your mission against you ("wow, here's the RM setting such a great example")

-There are so many things that people want you to do, watch, or listen to... And places people want you to go or see. It's overwhelming.

-all you want to do is talk about your mission, but others get tired of that very quickly. You hear "we get it, you loved your mission" and "okay enough about Utah." (or wherever you served), quite often.

It is hard. The expectations an pressure I've felt is unreal. But those expectations of perfection that have been pushed on me will never be met, and it just makes it harder on boh sides to push someone.

The world is not over if a return missionary makes a mistake, big or small, or if they miss church, or haven't gone to the temple in a while. It's okay if they are struggling a bit with their testimony, or are weak. They can take care of themselves. We learned a lot on our mission. We know what Heavenly Father wants us to do. Pushing us to do the "right thing" or to "be a better example" will only push us away.

Take it from someone who knows.

I am struggling with my testimony. It's hard for me to drag myself to church when I go. I've only gone to the temple once since being home. I'm having trouble with my strength to resist tempation. 

But you know what? That's OKAY. Because I know my Heavenly Father still loves me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, because His love is UNCONDITIONAL.

So I am no longer going to exhaust and continually disappoint myself and others trying to live up to any kind of expecatation from anyone, or trying to hide all of my struggles from everyone around me. Im not living some double life where I pretend to be perfect around the people who expect it. I'm sick of the pressure that has been put on me simply because I chose to serve a mission. I am going to live my life the way that makes me happy, not you, or anyone else. I accept me for who I am, imperfections, mistakes, temptations and all. Because finally, I'm happy :)

"No one is perfect, and everyone is different, but everyone is beautiful in their own way and that's what makes us all special."

-An Imperfect Female