Rants of a "Depressed and Anxiety Ridden" Mormon Girl

This may seem ironic based on the title of my last post haha, but this is something I feel deeply about since it is personal.

It's recently come to my attention how little people know or understand about mental + emotional disorders like depression and anxiety. Unless you're diagnosed with one, you tend not to really know much because you've never really needed to. It may not affect you directly, but I can guarantee you that someone you have met, or will meet, will have been affected by or diagnosed with one or both of these disorders. So... I thought I could maybe try to help people understand what's going on inside the head of someone who does have these type of disorders; me.

First, let me tell you, depression/anxiety is NOT a choice in any way, shape or form. 

It's not something you feel just when something bad happens. It's not something you can just force yourself to "get over" or "move on" from. It is an illness, and it's crippling.

And so we can't just wave some magic wand and move on, just as much as you can't be magically cured from any physical illness or disease.

It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just because it's an invisible illness, (you can't tell someone is depressed just by looking at them) that does not mean it isn't real.

I love the iceberg example. What you see is not always the whole story. Sure. I may seem okay at times, or even seem happy. But a lot of times, not ALL the time, but a lot, on the inside, I feel completely hopeless. It's not always because of something or someone, but simply because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. It goes without saying, that the most cliche phrase ever, "Don't judge a book by its cover" is very applicable to people who have mental disorders, or "invisible diseases".

I promise you, I do not want to be feeling this way. In fact, what I want more than anything is to feel happy, or at least content. To feel normal. That's why you can find us faking smiles, and living life as if we feel totally fine.

There are some very important things I want my loved ones (and everyone in the world, honestly) to know about depression and anxiety.

First, people with these disorders are not crazy, they are ill. Just like a physical illness, when we treat it, and take care of ourselves, our health improves. We feel better. But still, we can feel bad again. Once we have a good day, that doesn't mean we're cured. It's a forever illness, but it can be helped. We can improve. We can have a happy successful life.

Second, I really do feel awful when I have to cancel or reschedule plans that we've made. Please don't try to make me feel guilty. Sometimes I just cannot bring myself to leave my bed, let alone, my house. Some days I just need to be at home and avoid contact with anyone except my family. Some days I just need to watch tv or read a book to escape my own head. Nothing that ANYONE could say or do would make it easier for me to leave the house when I'm in this state. Please don't be offended. Please don't think I'm avoiding you. Please don't think I'm flaky, or making an excuse so I can do something or hang with someone much cooler. Sometimes I truly am stuck and just cannot leave, no matter how long our plans have been in place.

Anxiety is like this invisible monster that tackles you when you're actually feeling okay. He's hiding behind anything out of the ordinary. He even sneaks into your comfort zone when he's feeling extra obnoxious.

The typical panic attack feels like this:

And it usually turns into you lying on the floor, maybe curled into a ball with your eyes closed waiting for it to stop.

While this happens, I know I'm going to be okay, because I always am. I am always able to continue living, and know that I could still have a good rest of my day, or that the next day could be absolutely perfect. I can still have a happy life, but at that moment in time, I don't feel that way. Regardless of what I know, I feel like my happiness is gone forever. Like this attack will never end. It's really not a great experience. So, I apologize if sometimes I feel like I need to stay home for the day. But I still love you. I still want to be invited out. I still want to have friends and feel normal as often as I can.

Just because I'm having a hard time doesn't mean I want people to forget about me and stop loving me or spending time with me. Please don't give up on me, or anyone with these disorders.

The people who have stuck with me through my disorders are the people who I love more than life itself. It is hard to be a friend with someone who has mental or emotional disorders. We are not easily part of a nice, relaxed friendship. It's something we (and our friends) have to work at a lot, but that's why my friends mean the absolute world to me. They'll never know how much I appreciate them.

I hope this post can help someone better understand what their loved one, or even their acquaintance is going through. If not, just remember this, don't give up on them. They need a good friend.

~A Depressed & Anxiety Ridden Mormon Girl