Rants of an M.I.A Mormon Girl

So this is my first blog post in almost 2 months. I've been kinda M.I.A... Missing in action. Mostly because the past 3 months have been a crazy and confusing emotional/spiritual roller coaster ride that I couldn't get off no matter how hard I tried. 

Let's just say that anger, and temptation got the best of me. I let my emotions control me, which is never a good idea. I didn't know what to post for the world because I was pretty angry at the world.

I've done some stupid stuff in my life and I let myself fall back into those patterns. I know it was stupid. I knew that before, during, and after. But when you're mad or hurt or lonely you don't care... And I felt all of those things so I tried to be someone I'm not, thinking maybe THAT could make me a happier person. I tried doing all the right things, and that didn't seem to be working, so why not give THIS a try?

Now, everyone calm down before you go assuming that I went crazy and broke every rule of life you could imagine. My mistakes were definitely not the end of the world. They definitely could've been much much worse. I'm glad that it didn't get that far, but I was definitely headed that way. Anyways, as I said, could've been worse, but regardless, the choices I was making were not leading me towards the life I KNOW I want. 

I want to find a great guy to marry and create a beautiful, eternal family with, live the gospel, go to the temple often, have hymns stuck in my head, have my life led completely by God, all those "cheesy mormon things", yeah, I want it all. So why did I make such stupid decisions that took me away from that?

Easy. I stopped reading my scriptures daily. Then I stopped reading them at all. That led to me no longer praying daily, then at all. Eventually I started skipping church, then I stopped going to church unless someone "made" me. Then the other stuff followed. That's what happens. It happens slowly but surely. The adversary knows just how to get us. I know that now more than ever. He works on your weaknesses, and is so set on destroying your happiness. 

I'll never be a happy-go-lucky person, it's just not in my blood. But I can be happy. I may have depression and other things to deal with but I can be happy. I shouldn't let the adversary take that from me.

I can be negative, and very sarcastic, but I do LOVE people, and need love back. 

The adversary used that need for love, and the lack of love I was feeling to make me feel alone and forget about the unconditional love felt for me by my Heavenly Father. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this or why I'm even posting it because it's pretty personal so.. Sorry about that haha. I guess I'll come to an end using this quote.

A few days after I realized I am NOT the person I was trying to be, I found this quote. Immediately I felt that love again. The love that was always there but I just wasn't paying attention. And then... I remembered my mission.

I remembered how hard it was to leave my family and friends. How hard it was to get out of bed and work hard with almost no reward every day. But mostly I remembered the incredible love I felt, at all times, even when I wanted to give up. Not once on my mission did I lose that feeling. The love that the members, people I taught, and other missionaries showed to me, was pure evidence that God was there. 

So to help myself get back on track, I've been going through my mission journals, pictures, and other things. There is nothing that makes me happier than reminiscing about my mission. It has helped a lot.

Don't give up. If you're making mistakes, but still know the church is true, and you know that God loves you, like I did, you can fix it. Heck, even if you don't know those things, you can definitely still change. It is never too late. You don't have to be someone you're not. You are a child of God, DO NOT forget that, like I did.

-An M.I.A Mormon Girl

Rants of an "Imperfect" Mormon Girl

Why is it that as a return missionary of the church of Jesus Christ people EXPECT perfection?

................................................................

SURPRISE!

I'm not perfect. I get mad. I get sad. I get lonely. I get offended and hurt. And when I feel that way I make mistakes. I say things I don't mean. I do things I shouldn't. Even when I'm perfectly happy I make mistakes. And I always will. And guess what else? The expectation to be perfect that so many have pushed on me is exactly what drives me to my mistakes.

There is this assumption that if you are a return missionary, you "know better". Or that if after you return, you become less active at church, or struggle with your testimony, or aren't perfect or an entirely changed and new being, that you didn't do what you were meant to or you didn't do it "right".

This is simply not true. And, ridiculous.

Who are we to judge whether or not a person worked as hard as they could have, or "fulfilled" their duty as a missionary. That is absolutely not our right. It breaks my heart to hear people say such things.

I can't even tell you the number of return missionaries I taught on my mission who no longer attended church or even believed in what Christ taught.

After being home for months, I now understand how they all must have felt. Pretty bad. Pretty let down. Pretty un-loved.

You go on a mission and you suddenly set the bar so high for yourself at home. You become important. People miss you. They send you stuff. They always remind you how much they love you.

Then, you get home. Everyone is excited for a few days, but quickly, it dies down and becomes "normal", to everyone else at least. It takes longer for a return missionary to adjust to being home than it does for anyone else to adjust to them being home. It's a very hard adjustment, for several reasons.

-At first, you set high goals for yourself and you think "oh man I've been on a spiritual high for so long, going home will be great, I'm gonna be a missionary to everyone around me and study everyday and go to the temple once a week...etc." and you soon realize it isn't that easy. And so you feel like you've let yourself, and God, down.

-It's hard to find time to read your scriptures or go to the temple because there is so much for you to "catch up" on. It's hard to do anything when in reality what you want to do is sleep. Well, maybe that was just me.

-it's hard to pray as regularly and remain as close to God as you were, because you don't feel like you need him every second as badly as you did as a missionary doing His work.

-when you take the high road, you get a lot of "you're such a return missionary" as if that's some kind of insult.

-when you do make a mistake, people use your mission against you ("wow, here's the RM setting such a great example")

-There are so many things that people want you to do, watch, or listen to... And places people want you to go or see. It's overwhelming.

-all you want to do is talk about your mission, but others get tired of that very quickly. You hear "we get it, you loved your mission" and "okay enough about Utah." (or wherever you served), quite often.

It is hard. The expectations an pressure I've felt is unreal. But those expectations of perfection that have been pushed on me will never be met, and it just makes it harder on boh sides to push someone.

The world is not over if a return missionary makes a mistake, big or small, or if they miss church, or haven't gone to the temple in a while. It's okay if they are struggling a bit with their testimony, or are weak. They can take care of themselves. We learned a lot on our mission. We know what Heavenly Father wants us to do. Pushing us to do the "right thing" or to "be a better example" will only push us away.

Take it from someone who knows.

I am struggling with my testimony. It's hard for me to drag myself to church when I go. I've only gone to the temple once since being home. I'm having trouble with my strength to resist tempation. 

But you know what? That's OKAY. Because I know my Heavenly Father still loves me, regardless of what anyone else thinks, because His love is UNCONDITIONAL.

So I am no longer going to exhaust and continually disappoint myself and others trying to live up to any kind of expecatation from anyone, or trying to hide all of my struggles from everyone around me. Im not living some double life where I pretend to be perfect around the people who expect it. I'm sick of the pressure that has been put on me simply because I chose to serve a mission. I am going to live my life the way that makes me happy, not you, or anyone else. I accept me for who I am, imperfections, mistakes, temptations and all. Because finally, I'm happy :)

"No one is perfect, and everyone is different, but everyone is beautiful in their own way and that's what makes us all special."

-An Imperfect Female

Rants of A "Disney Loving" Mormon Girl

HOW IS DISNEYLAND SO MAGICAL?!?! It seems to just get better and better as time goes on. It continues to baffle me. Each time I go, I wonder if I'm going to have as much fun as I did last time, and no matter who I go with, how hot it is, if it's raining, or how crowded the park is, I have a great time. Maybe there are some days greater than others, but I've never had a bad time at Disneyland.

I recently renewed my pass....

after almost 2 years of not going, and whenever I choose to do that, people always tell me I'll regret it because of the cost, but I don't. Never do. I probably never will. Yeah anything Disney is expensive, but Disney also gives you the happiest memories you could ever ask for. For me, not for everyone (My friend Kyle is a Disney hater....shame), the money is totally worth it.

I was basically brought into this world as a Disney fan.

I am so lucky to have been able to grow up just a short drive from Disneyland.

Disneyland was a family activity. It's where we spent a lot of our bonding time together.

Not everyone is so lucky to live a 10-15 minute drive from this beautiful place. Disneyland became like my second home, if I wasn't at home or at a rehearsal for whatever show I was in.....I was at Disneyland. As I got older I was there even more often. In high school I used to go almost every Friday after school and stay til closing (midnight).

I'd go with different people.

Go on different rides.

Meet different characters.

Disney-bound as different characters 

(In pictures: Ariel and Belle, then Minnie Mouse and Mickey Mouse)

Disney-bounding: Disney fans pick a character they want to portray and model an outfit using certain color pallets and accessories. It’s not as outlandish as cosplaying and subtle enough to be able to go out in public and look nice but still get nods of approval from Disney fans (see gallery below the interview).

The trend has become extremely popular in the parks the past couple of years and fans even make it a point to find the character their portraying and and snap a picture with them.

I'll never forget all of the magical memories I've made inside a Disney park. My childhood revolves around all things Disney. Since my brother and I both have renewed our passes, last night we went to Disneyland JUST to watch the newish Paint The Night parade and fireworks show. That's what I love about having an annual pass. You can go and do so little, and have a great time because you don't have to worry about getting EVERYTHING in because you can just come back whenever! Anyways, I cried during the whole parade because all my Disney memories rushed into my brain and my childhood heartstrings were all pulled. Disneyland is a magical place, the happiest place on earth, and I don't care how cheesy that sounds.

I'm SO thankful that 60 years ago, a man named Walt Disney had a marvelous plan, and used his imagination to turn that plan into an actual place. My life would've been very different if he hadn't!

~A Disney Loving Mormon Girl

Rants of an "Attached" Mormon Girl

I am one of those friends that gets attached. Really attached. When I find someone I click with, I want to get to know them better. I want to spend a lot of time with them. I want to mean a lot to them.

I've never felt like I have been able to easily get along with a lot of people, I struggle to be myself + feel comfortable in my own skin around others, especially new people, and so when I find someone I can actually be myself around, especially if it's instant, it's exciting to me.

I've always thought it was better to have a few very close friends that mean the absolute world to you than to have a huge group of "kinda" friends that you hang with every once in a while. I still feel that way.

Being someone who gets attached definitely is not easy.

For instance, 

1) You get hurt A LOT easier, and much more often. When someone means the world to you, their mistakes break you. Whether it's something they said/did to you specifically, or just a stupid choice they've made, it hurts more when they mean so much to you.

2) You always place all of the blame from the problems in your friendship on yourself. I've found this is very true in my own life. I will take any blame, even unnecessary blame, to "heal" a friendship. And even worse, I actually start to believe it is my fault even when it's not,  even if I did absolutely nothing wrong, or even when the blame is equal, I carry it all on my shoulders so that they won't have to, so we can just move on and things can be "normal" again. That's unhealthy and completely butchers your self confidence. Anyone who does the same will know that all of that blame really weighs down on you.

DON'T DO IT. If they did something wrong, let them take the blame. It will help them become better. I know this now.

3) There's also the paranoia. That one day they'll get sick of you. One day they'll find someone more fun, who makes them laugh more, who is more daring, more relatable, etc. They'll move on from the friendship and you'll be left there hanging just like you have been so many times before.

People aren't paranoid for no reason. Being the more attached friend has gone awfully wrong for me so many times. I get attached, and then when someone cuts themselves from my life, it feels like this entire chunk of me is missing, while they can just go off and live their life happily as if we had never met, or as if the time we spent together meant nothing to them. I've honestly lived most of my life believing no one could ever care about me as much as I cared about them. I thought that I just needed to take what I could get and be grateful for it.

That is NOT the case. Regardless of who seems to "care more" in a friendship, both people can be happy. Friendship is hard work but it's worth it. Even with my friends who I've been close to for years and years, it is hard.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother making new friends when I know I'm just going to love them more than they'll love me. But ya know what? That is an extremely selfish way to feel. To assume that just because I feel like I care about someone more, that I am going to be a better friend than them. People show their love and affection in many different ways. Since taking a step back out of my selfish mind set, I've discovered that I do have friends who care about me just as much as I do about them, but maybe express it differently than I expect. Putting a label on yourself as "the person who cares more" is just setting yourself up for rejection. Rejection is not something I need any more of.

Yeah, being someone who gets attached is heartbreaking. But it's reminds me of something that Winnie the Pooh once said, 

Obviously, just because we feel that we care more than someone else, that doesn't mean we need to say goodbye to them, that's not what I mean..but honestly, how lucky am I to have people in my life that mean so much to me? There are so many people in this world who don't have that. Who don't have anyone who even cares a little bit about them... I am blessed to have people to love, and who love me.

Being the "friend who loves more" isn't a real curse. It isn't the end of the world. Take a look around you and realize how lucky you are. After all, it could always be worse.

I have focused on this problem for too long in my life, and am finally realizing that though it's hard, it's OKAY.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a long post. But I want you, and all of those people who feel like they were just born to be rejected, that they will always care more than anyone else, that they are always the "back up friend", to remember these things.

You have and will continue to find friends who care as much about you, and maybe just aren't as good at showing it.

You can be happy regardless of how anyone else feels/thinks about you.

And most of all, you can never care TOO MUCH about someone. You are unbelievably lucky for the ability to love, and they will never know how lucky they are to have you.

"In the end, I believe it is always better to feel too much, than not enough."

<3

~An Attached Mormon Girl

Rants of a Performer

DO WHAT YOU LOVE!!!!

Man, I love performing. Musical theatre has shaped my life.

The thrill I get from being on a stage as a performer can't come from anything else. I just love it, I love it all. The happiness that fills your soul as you sing your heart out in an audition, the nerves while waiting for the cast list to be posted, the tears, whether good or bad, when it finally is posted, going through the script and highlighting all of your lines, the stress of memorizing your part, and then developing your character into an actual person, the hours and hours and hours of rehearsals, the stressful, long, exhausting days/nights of tech week (HELL WEEK), the rush you get when the curtain is finally rising on opening night, or your heart pounding as the overture begins to play....The pure satisfaction of an audience clapping and cheering for the cast. Nothing brings me greater joy.

Ever since I was a kid, all I wanted to do was perform.

I guess it all started with my ballet and tap classes.

However, my dad has been in several bands in his life and so it was natural for me to be listening to music at all hours of the day. I was a pretty shy kid outside of my house, but at home, my siblings and I 

               We're cute, right?

always dressed up and performed our very own little plays and musicals for our parents, or put on the Beatles or Beach Boys, or Michael Jackson and danced around singing for them, and we had SO much fun doing it.

We were also a part of many church plays!

Little did I know back then how much the performing arts would affect my life. 

When I was 11 or 12, I discovered a musical theatre program at a middle school near me. Though I had never necessarily been interested in or even knew anything about musical theatre before, my family figured it would be something fun to try out.

wasn't the school I was assigned to based on my address, but I received permission to go there so I could be a part of this program, called WestArts.

I have been doing musical theatre since then, the 6th grade. So I'm not a "theatre baby" necessarily. However, the minute I started, I knew this was something I was going to stick to. There have been a LOT of ups and downs, stress, happiness and lots and lots and LOTS of tears. But I can honestly say there is not a single show I have ever regretted doing. Whether or not I had a bunch of friends, or had a big part, or even any part at all, I am always devastated when the show I'm in comes to a close. 

You put your sweat, heart, and soul into a show and it breaks your heart when it's over. But it makes it that much sweeter when rehearsals for the next shows begin.

Over the years I've been a part of 3 different companies, and have been a part of 30 productions altogether. The memories I've made are unforgettable, the amount I have learned from these incredible companies is life changing.

WestArts 2006-2008

I really do give the credit to this wonderful company for beginning my love of musicals. This is where I started and prepared for what was ahead. This company helped me get over my stage fright.

      My debut ;) a lead munchkin!

How To Eat Like A Child... I LOVED this show, it is very much underrated.

  My first big role, Grace in Annie (:

By far my favorite WestArts experience, I was lucky enough to play Mayzie LaBird + Bird Girl #2 in Seussical the musical. So much fun <3

After I had graduated from WestArts, I was lucky enough to return as an alumni to MC and perform in a Broadway review they did, as well as assistant direct (and perform in) their production of Oliver, and I had a blast!

MYART 2006-Current

Someone I met in WestArts introduced me to this company, and so after my first 2 WestArts shows, my brother and I decided to try it out. In MYART I continued to learn so much and really grew into the performer I am now. I started participating in the ensemble and having a few smaller roles.

My first MYART show was "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown", I was ensemble, and had the greatest time!

Then I did Peter Pan and played Curley, a lead Lost Boy (I got to shoot an arrow onstage.. Fun stuff)

I had the opportunity to play Louisa Von Trapp in the Sound of Music!

And Charlotte Sowerberry in Oliver!

Over time I learned so much from these wonderful performers and was able to really grow as a performer!

I was able to play the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland which was honestly one of the most fun roles I've ever played.

I played Gertrude McFuzz in Seussical the musical, which was my dream role at that time.

I played Lucy Van Pelt in "You're A Good Man Charlie Brown", another one of my dream roles.

Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast

I went to Huntington Beach High School and was a part of APA, the Academy of the Performing Arts for 2 years where I did a few shows as ensemble, as well as being able to play the stepmother in Cinderella.

        Thoroughly Modern Millie!

              Les Misérables!!

This went on way longer and was totally different than what I originally planned on blogging about but I have actually had a lot of fun looking back on all the old memories I'll always look fondly back at so #NoRegrets

I actually just broke my 3 year break of performing (1 year of school, 1 year of work, and 1 year for my mission) and did another MYART show, Legally Blonde the musical. It had been a while since I was able to do a show, and so I was really sad when I realized that because of work, I wouldn't be able to participate. However, after the show had already been rehearsing, a few people had to drop out and there were some parts left open, and I was asked to join the show the week before the performances. Luckily, I had just quit my (AWFUL) job and gotten a new one that wouldn't conflict, so I finally got to get back on a stage and had so much fun rekindling friendships and creating new ones!

I guess I should try and wrap this up somehow, so this is where I'm going to leave off this post. 

Do what you love. Even if it's hard. Even if you're rejected. Even if you meet some tough challenges (or people haha) along the way. Do it because 100% you will not regret it if you truly love it. Even though some of my experiences in musical theatre were maybe not so great, with some people who I had trouble with, or with maybe not getting the role I would've liked, or being tired all the time, I absolutely would not trade my experiences for anything. My experiences in these 3 companies have truly shaped me into who I am today, and I'm so greatful to have been so lucky <3

DO WHAT YOU LOVE!

~A "Performing" Mormon Girl

Rants of a "Depressed and Anxiety Ridden" Mormon Girl

This may seem ironic based on the title of my last post haha, but this is something I feel deeply about since it is personal.

It's recently come to my attention how little people know or understand about mental + emotional disorders like depression and anxiety. Unless you're diagnosed with one, you tend not to really know much because you've never really needed to. It may not affect you directly, but I can guarantee you that someone you have met, or will meet, will have been affected by or diagnosed with one or both of these disorders. So... I thought I could maybe try to help people understand what's going on inside the head of someone who does have these type of disorders; me.

First, let me tell you, depression/anxiety is NOT a choice in any way, shape or form. 

It's not something you feel just when something bad happens. It's not something you can just force yourself to "get over" or "move on" from. It is an illness, and it's crippling.

And so we can't just wave some magic wand and move on, just as much as you can't be magically cured from any physical illness or disease.

It is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. Just because it's an invisible illness, (you can't tell someone is depressed just by looking at them) that does not mean it isn't real.

I love the iceberg example. What you see is not always the whole story. Sure. I may seem okay at times, or even seem happy. But a lot of times, not ALL the time, but a lot, on the inside, I feel completely hopeless. It's not always because of something or someone, but simply because of the chemical imbalance in my brain. It goes without saying, that the most cliche phrase ever, "Don't judge a book by its cover" is very applicable to people who have mental disorders, or "invisible diseases".

I promise you, I do not want to be feeling this way. In fact, what I want more than anything is to feel happy, or at least content. To feel normal. That's why you can find us faking smiles, and living life as if we feel totally fine.

There are some very important things I want my loved ones (and everyone in the world, honestly) to know about depression and anxiety.

First, people with these disorders are not crazy, they are ill. Just like a physical illness, when we treat it, and take care of ourselves, our health improves. We feel better. But still, we can feel bad again. Once we have a good day, that doesn't mean we're cured. It's a forever illness, but it can be helped. We can improve. We can have a happy successful life.

Second, I really do feel awful when I have to cancel or reschedule plans that we've made. Please don't try to make me feel guilty. Sometimes I just cannot bring myself to leave my bed, let alone, my house. Some days I just need to be at home and avoid contact with anyone except my family. Some days I just need to watch tv or read a book to escape my own head. Nothing that ANYONE could say or do would make it easier for me to leave the house when I'm in this state. Please don't be offended. Please don't think I'm avoiding you. Please don't think I'm flaky, or making an excuse so I can do something or hang with someone much cooler. Sometimes I truly am stuck and just cannot leave, no matter how long our plans have been in place.

Anxiety is like this invisible monster that tackles you when you're actually feeling okay. He's hiding behind anything out of the ordinary. He even sneaks into your comfort zone when he's feeling extra obnoxious.

The typical panic attack feels like this:

And it usually turns into you lying on the floor, maybe curled into a ball with your eyes closed waiting for it to stop.

While this happens, I know I'm going to be okay, because I always am. I am always able to continue living, and know that I could still have a good rest of my day, or that the next day could be absolutely perfect. I can still have a happy life, but at that moment in time, I don't feel that way. Regardless of what I know, I feel like my happiness is gone forever. Like this attack will never end. It's really not a great experience. So, I apologize if sometimes I feel like I need to stay home for the day. But I still love you. I still want to be invited out. I still want to have friends and feel normal as often as I can.

Just because I'm having a hard time doesn't mean I want people to forget about me and stop loving me or spending time with me. Please don't give up on me, or anyone with these disorders.

The people who have stuck with me through my disorders are the people who I love more than life itself. It is hard to be a friend with someone who has mental or emotional disorders. We are not easily part of a nice, relaxed friendship. It's something we (and our friends) have to work at a lot, but that's why my friends mean the absolute world to me. They'll never know how much I appreciate them.

I hope this post can help someone better understand what their loved one, or even their acquaintance is going through. If not, just remember this, don't give up on them. They need a good friend.

~A Depressed & Anxiety Ridden Mormon Girl